I never write on here anymore. I know.
I should be writing about Christmas-related things. I'm not.
I should appreciate the time off from stressful school. I don't.
Happy Holidays. Merry Christmas. Happy Whatever-It-Is-You-Celebrate. They're all good wishes, anyway.
James is my boyfriend. Jeremy is my soulmate -- I truly believe this. In the short span of one year, all I do and all I know has been changed by the influences of Jeremy. Even the way of use dashes, with a single space between the dash and the word, as shown earlier in this paragraph, I adopted from Jeremy. He has enough of me to crush me, to break me, to shatter my heart into tiny bleeding pieces. And he has. And yet, I still find myself wanting to be with him.
We say "I love you" over the phone when ending conversations. We've designated rules for our friendship to keep us close yet far enough away. We've decided that in 150 years we will get together, fly to Canada, and get married. He's told me that he's "COUNTING on you being around in 150 years." We want each other, just not right now.
Or rather, we want each other; he just doesn't want me right now. He wants to live a little. Explore his options. Make sure there isn't someone better out there for him. He believes I'm the one. He believes there is no one better. But he has this uncanny ability to pretend that the boy he's currently having sex with is a potential lifelong mate. It always fails. He's playing with these other boys, too.
I've tried to be so nonchalant. I've done my share of hookups, my share of attempts at dating others. But when I look at James, when I kiss James, when I'm alone with James, I feel displaced. Things are not right with James. He himself is ideal: gay, Christian, Republican, brought the "GOD IS LOVE" sign to the gay rights protest against the Westboro Baptists. He's intelligent, just nerdy enough, fairly skilled in bed (never had sex, though, just judging from other things). Perfect in so many ways. And yet I do not want him. I do not love him.
I love Jeremy, the lying, cheating, indecisive, insecure, blaspheming, lonely, afraid, and arrogant bastard and coward. He has hurt me very deeply four times. He runs away from whatever it is he finally gets his hands on. He does the exact opposite of whatever advice you give him. He can be so cruel and insensitive, so kind and charming. He's the guy I'd demand that you run away from. And yet I find myself unable. I love him so dearly. I hate him, too. The feelings I have for him have never been so intense for anyone else. I truly believe that he is my soulmate, that he is the man God has placed on this earth for me. He is quite flawed, and yet I love him.
This is Christmas Eve, and I cannot stop thinking about Jeremy. Jeremy finds himself able to date other guys, even with the knowledge that he loves me and wants to end up with me. I cannot. I have tried. Hookups don't work. Dating (even someone as perfect as James) doesn't work. I am trapped in limbo with Jeremy, never fully friends but never fully lovers. When the time comes, I'll have to have a decision: Will Jeremy pretend that we have skipped ahead 150 years and will now be faithfully mine, or will I have to cast my hopes for Jeremy aside and pray that God may bless me with another (though less frustrating, hopefully) love?
I go to Jeremy's New Year's party. I'm going to tell him that I changed my mind about kissing at midnight. He wanted to know if we could do it; I said we could not. I think we can. Probably a bad idea, but what better way to bring in the New Year than by openly loving the man you've loved almost immediately after meeting?
I'll be ending it with James once school resumes. I'll be ending this madness with Jeremy whenever I can no longer handle this current state of friendship.
Merry Christmas, everybody! Such a terrible update, I know, because I haven't updated you on anything. If this is what family and Christmas stress does, then so be it. These are the issues governing my thoughts this Christmas season.
Comments (9)
Teddy, I love you happy christmas.
Merry Christmas
The way you describe Jeremy reminds me of myself and my relationship with another person, but only a little bit.
Your syntax change from past to present to future makes you sound very motivated, by the way.
And, are you a Christian Republican? I'm sorry, if so.
Seriously. In my book Christian is bad enough, but REPUBLICAN too? Lordy lord. XD
Anyway, good rant there. I kind of miss knowing where your mind is at, but this helps. And yes, "lying, cheating, indecisive, insecure, blaspheming, lonely, afraid, and arrogant bastard and coward" are ALL qualities you should look for in a man. XD
You're strange, kid. But at least you've got a good grip on things.
P.S. I'm going to mail out my overdue letter to you soon... if I ever remember.
Scratch that.
It's in my locker at school...
Fudge monkeys.
i have my own version of jeremy so i kinda understand and know that it can tear you apart but still bring butterflies to your stomach. it's really frustrating, but you can't let it go.
@miapdancer89 - it's good to know that there are a lot of other people out there who go through the same sort of thing. Helps to give me the strength to do whatever it is I'm going to have to do (hopefully I'll figure that one out soon haha). Thank you for your comment :)
Eh.
It's not that creepy sounding. I just have to wonder what would remind you of my username.
I don't particularly care for the name Taboo_Touching. It's pretty, uh, gross. I'm just rather stuck with it because I choose it so long ago.
Good luck! There was that quote, where my best dreams have the people who can hurt me most in them or something. Good luck :)