Well, hello. I read something earlier today that made me want to revisit Xanga, see what the old Xangans were up to. And in fact, I haven't actually visited the people I wanted to visit. I may run out of time. Class at noon. Homework constant throughout the day. Very few things are constant, and yet so many at the same time.
I'm probably going to get angry halfway through writing this. I'm talking to my friend Linzy, whose life is a tragedy. I avoid Facebook because of it. I have no time to listen to chemicals telling me how terrible of a life they have inside a body. I have lost all my patience for misfiring synapses that keep a body up all night long, lonely and with no motivation to carry on -- but plenty of motivation to allude to death. Attention-starved axions that receive constant attention and affection. They received the comfort of sleep and silence from my own bed, for God's sake, when I wanted nothing more than to sleep next to the man who told me earlier that day that he does not want a relationship. I'm tired of trying to reason with disease.
But I'm not quite angry yet. I haven't been on Xanga in a long while. It's really too bad. I run out of things to say. I feel like every time I write, I complain. I mope. But in life I'm not a mopey person. In life, I often tend to the opposite. I enjoy feeling good. I learned long ago that you get to choose your happiness, that momentary lapses will inevitably occur and that when they do, you accept the temporary sorrow -- then move on. Tears are the greatest proof for me of the existence of God. Mourn for what is lost, then look ahead for the future that is gained.
Too many people mourn the future. They look for what they hoped would be, what they expected to come, what they waited to happen. Then when some event in the present occurs to disband their hopes, dreams, and expectations from reaching realization, they mourn the opportunity they have lost. But they have lost nothing. The future was not theirs to begin with. The future is not something we own until it is no longer the future.
Sorry for the dissertation on life. I think I need to pee and eat. That would help me out greatly at the moment. I have class at noon. Homework is a constant. My mirror is filled with events and assignments (but also love!).
I'm sorry for the shitty ass writing here. I just needed to write. It's a cathartic experience, just the writing, even when the writing is something like nonsense.
And Bilal, don't give up on humanity. Don't give up on love. Those of us who make you doubt in strangers as well as friends are some of the same who will become the greatest examples of the intense capacity of mankind to do good in this world. To love in this world.
Comments (5)
you constantly remind me why I love you.
I haven't given up on love. I've given up on people who just make things worse.
There's a difference.
@Prisoner_of_Reality - but you assume that all people are going to make things worse, and thus, you live life according to the idea that any potential love from any human being is going to make life worse. And then you run away from people when it seems that the opposite will be true. To give up on every member of humankind is to give up on love.
@fortitudenow - Quite frankly, Adam, you no longer have a right to say that to me. None at all. In fact, I have my own letter that explains why you don't, which was written a while back, but sending it would be a waste of a stamp. When you vanish from September to December, and then from the beginning of Januaray until now (which means I got to speak with you for one week out of six months) you can't say that to me.
And really, don't try to pick up on things from the last time that you left them, because that doesn't do anything. You shouldn't just assume that a friendship, after being suspended for six months, can pick up as normal when you have the time to actually appear to others.. It doesn't work that way, at least not with me.
Good luck on your journey through life my friend:)
and you're right: facebook steals time!